Welcome to the "Home at Last" one liners page. Here you'll find comedic thoughts on homelessness and life in general, from the perspective of "Bob" the main character on the show. You'll also find topical jokes from series writers and creators Matt Giegerich and Chelsea Mize. Check back every day for new one liners, and sometimes maybe even a two liner.
Bob's Jokes: August - November 2011
I hate Halloween. It's just an excuse for all the whores dress to dress like normal girls for a day.
Forever 21 calls them dressing rooms. I call them masturbating boxes.
On the rocks with hobo lover. Least comfortable sex ever.
I occupied Wall Street in 1993. Then Giuliani made me leave.
I made love to a sex addict last night. For me, it was amazing. For her, it was rock bottom.
Sleeping takes up a third of my life. The rest of the time is for finding a place to sleep.
I used to work at a car wash, but then I got fired. Apparently people don't want their cars washed with spit.
Learned an important lesson at Gap Kids today. Apparently just because ‘kids’ is in the name, doesn’t mean that if you see one, he’s for sale.
Got stuck at Costco for almost seven hours today. They found me under twelve feet of diapers. Drunk.
I'm so dirty I ejaculate mud.
Lady and the Tramp is a lie. Every time I court a wealthy woman with spaghetti from the garbage she turns me down.
When people ask me how I got to be homeless, I tell them to think of me as Pig Pen, from the Peanuts, all grown up and with a drinking problem. Then they usually give me money.
I’m a wine expert. Any year’s a good year, as long as no one pissed in the bottle.
Playing music on the streets today. The british call it ‘busking.’ I call it screaming loudly and beating on a drum until someone gives me money.
My friends call me 'the tooth fairy.' But I don't think the real tooth fairy sells her own teeth for cash
I'm not homeless, I'm going green.
The hardest part about being homeless is finding a place to stick your post it notes.
Using Facebook makes me feel less homeless. If only it had a roof and three more walls.
I don't know my left from my right. Haven't turned a faucet off in years.
I’m not a dumpster diver. I pick from the top.
I had a rough night’s sleep last night. My hobo lover thinks it’s because I suffer from sleep apnea. I think it was because she insisted on cuddling in the dumpster.
I'm so dirty they shot Slumdog Millionaire on my torso.
I’ve been eating a lot of junk lately. Mostly car parts and old toys.
